Part of the Family

Have you ever just gotten an urge to write something down, to get it out, and put it into words at 12:45 at night when you are about to fall asleep?

I just had to jot down what I was thinking and feeling last night.

It's dark and windy... but underneath the comfort of my flannel sheets I'm warm and secure. Safe. 

Outside my window the night sky displays stars and perhaps planets- a reminder that I know the God of the universe who made all this. It tends to make me a little giddy - inciting feelings of awe. 

After reading a short devotional quoting from Romans 15:7 I ponder how we have been accepted by Christ. Arms wide open. We are all dirty, sinful, broken, and ugly when Jesus called us. But He brings us into His house and makes us beautiful, clean, and pure. 

And we become a part of His household. We become His loved children who He cares for, listens to, teaches, loves.

And this puts service in a new light- if you were welcomed into a house, would you want to remain a guest forever? Just eating food and being served? Or would you eventually want to take part in the family- to serve each other and work together. To take part in the family business and trade. To help maintain the house and keep things running. And to bring others to be part of the family.

I've been welcomed into the family. And I want to take my place- to be loved, to be served, to have joy, and fun, and happiness. But also to do the hard work, to learn the tough lessons, and to be responsible and helpful in the family. 

I'm part of Your family now, Abba. Let me work with You and with my siblings. To work, to rejoice, to struggle, to battle, to live - side by side with You and them.

For in my family that I was born into, I want to do life with them and love them and be a part of what they work for and care about. And it's the same for my adopted family. I've been adopted into God's family- made His daughter. And I want, even if ever so feebly, to be a part of what He cares about. And that's us - you and me. The broken and the lost. He wants all of us to do life with Him in His house. To be a part. And I don't want to miss out on really doing life with Him as my Father. 

So don't let me fall into being a guest. Let me take my place in the house of God and work for what He wants me to work for and to live in the joy of new life in Him. 

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." - Romans 15:7

In the Hands of the Potter

"A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations... Nostalgia."

I recently had a conversation with my mom where I mentioned that I think that bittersweet is my emotion. Okay, I have a lot of emotions. I'm sure just about everyone can attest to the fact that I am a hardcore Feeler. But bittersweet just seems to match how I often feel about things in life. A little triumph but a little a cost. A new path to begin but a wistful longing as I look down the path from which I just came. 

(P.c. Pinterest)

If you are like me, perhaps you struggle a bit with accepting a new season of life. Perhaps you, also like me, struggle with regret about the imperfections in the path behind you. Or perhaps it is with reluctance you watch the beauty and excitement of an adventure behind you begin to fade and grow distant. 

I am going through "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges with a friend right now. We have been learning about God's sovereignty. It is incredible to realize that nothing is beyond God's control and He is not defeated or phased by anything. I love this because even in the messy, broken path I have traveled, I know God has allowed it. For His glory and my good. Even the wasted days and years, when I rebelled against Him and refused to accept His love, He has redeemed and somehow brought to beauty. There is such beauty in seeing God's faithfulness in the life of a broken, messy sinner like myself. 

But even in the seasons which were not wasted, even in the day to day life which one goes through, it is so easy to begin to regret and wonder why things happened the way they did. Today, Jeremiah 18 came to mind. 

"The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD, saying: 'Arise and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause you to hear My words.' Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make. The the word of the LORD came to me, saying: 'O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter?" says the LORD. 'Look, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel!'

-Jeremiah 18: 3-6

In my journal, I inserted my name into the spots where it mentions Israel. "Anna, can I not do with you as this potter? Look, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand!" 

I love the image of God being able to shape and mold my life for His purpose, for a good and beautiful and worthwhile purpose. I can't help and think that God can use different circumstances to shape us one way, and then when we need to be perfected a little more, made a little more usable for something, or fashioned more specifically, He can change the circumstance, the experience, the people, and even the heart, to begin to mold me more and more in His image and for His purpose. 

I spend so much time trying to find a perfect path. I wonder if I have wasted my life, my time, my abilities. I wonder if I will be used, will be made whole, will be able to walk a new path. But if God is sovereign, if He is loving, oh so wise, and perfectly good, then why should I worry? 

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed

That I would see the goodness of the LORD

In the land of the living. 

Wait on the LORD; 

Be of courage,

And He shall strengthen your heart;

Wait, I say, on the LORD!"

-Psalm 27:13-14  

Oh keep waiting my soul. Wait only on God. Let Him be the one who directs your paths. Be still. Be in awe. Be full of joy. Let peace reign. 

Yes. It is bittersweet. But I think the sweet wins out. The new breath of fresh air. The path ahead to blaze. The air of excitement which comes with each new day, each new experience, each new command when walking side by side with Jesus. It is a joy. An adventure. Surrendering in expectant hope. Surrender to the King of kings does not mean dull, formidable existence but beautiful new life. Surrender to Jesus is the sweetest of freedoms. 

Here I am, God

Arms wide open

Pouring out my life

Gracefully broken 

My heart stands in awe of Your name

Your mighty love stands strong to the end

You will fulfill Your purpose for me

You won't forsake me, You will be with me.

-Gracefully Broken 

Even in the Valley

(Pc. Pinterest)

“Now imagine a storm. What does it look like? Is it close? Is it far away?”

We played this game this summer where you imagine a desert, and a box, and other objects with the end goal of it describing your personality, relationships, and struggles in your life. One person would close his or her eyes and another would give them instructions about what to imagine. When you got to describing the weather in your scenario, if was supposed to describe the storms and trials in your own life. Now games like this are always hit or miss. Some parts about them are spot on and some are so far off you just laugh. I remember when I participated in this little game I imagined a storm out on the horizon. Maybe building, maybe powerful, but in the distance. It was that analogy that I thought of this week.

A couple weeks ago some friends and I were talking about what season of life we were in: trial, teaching, or triumph. I pegged myself as in triumph moving towards teaching. I’d just come out of a summer of having a ton about God and myself revealed to me and I’d started my fall flying pretty high. There were definitely things I was learning but I was farthest away from any sort of trial… That was in the past. You know, last spring, last whenever.

And then it happened. First it looked a little cloudy and the thunder started to rumble… then it sprinkled a little… And next thing I know I felt like a full on volcano had exploded in my face. I felt like Theoden in Lord of the Rings before a massive battle “How did it come to this?”

Okay. Not exactly what I was expecting. I had an excessive amount of meltdowns and spent several days moody, restless, anxious, and brooding. Biting my nails about the future and wrestling with thoughts, feelings, and fear from other seasons of trial in my life.

I could already feel it- the walls of a prison rising around me. The chains of past bondage rising to take their place on my already scarred wrists and ankles. The frustrating desire to run with nowhere to go. It’s almost like I was beginning to distance myself from God, from hope, from peace, from trusting in my Abba and standing firm in His love. An experience I just had in my life helped me to put a finger on a more appropriate response.

Whoosh… in an instant I was instantly enveloped in clouds. Unable to see through them or discern any sort of direction. If you were to ask me which way was north or south, east or west, I would have been at a loss. I would have had nothing to give you. I couldn’t see further than a couple of feet in front of me. What to do? Well lucky for me this just so happened while I quietly watched from my window within an air plane taking me back to my home in the Rocky Mountains from where I had been in Alaska for ten days.

It would have been an absolutely inappropriate response for me to panic, head for an emergency exit, and bail out just because we were moving into a bank of clouds and I couldn’t see or find my way. As long as I have faith in the captain’s ability to get us safely through the fog and to my destination, I can sit back, relax, and write a piece for my blog as I am currently doing.

It’s kind of humorous to imagine myself bailing out of a plane simply because I couldn’t see or understand what was going on. But the less humorous aspect is that often when I am hit with a storm in life, instead of sticking with my Captain and trusting Him to take me where I should go, I hit the bail button. I’m gone. Outta here. Something is wrong and I’ m not gonna take any part in this season of my life. Peace out.

I started my fall with this promise: Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your Presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there; If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me.” (Psalm 139: 7-10).

(Pc. Pinterest)

Even there… That has been His promise to me: “Even there, I will be there. Even there, I will be with you. Even there, you can rely on Me.”

I don’t know if it’s a season of trial or a triumph or of teaching which I am entering. Maybe a little of each. But if it is the trial, the last place I want to be is by myself fighting on my own. If it is the crucible… if it is the training ring… if it is a valley I must pass through, then let me pass through… but I’m not going alone. That’s what is different. I’m not letting go of His hand, and He already promised never to leave my side.

Life is gonna throw rough seasons at us… But He has never asked us to go alone. Never. Without Jesus… it’s flat out misery. But with Him… it’s like there is the sweetest of companionship even in a little suffering. Jesus still wants to be my joy, peace, and hope. My strength. He still wants to be the foundation for me to keep believing. The reason I can endure, the strength and power to get through it all.

So I’m going to run. Not away. But forward. I won’t stop. I choose to stand with Jesus as my Captain… My King... My Lord. To walk with Him even in the valley – not despairing. Not crushed (2 Corinthians 4:7-9). But anchored in His hope (Hebrews 6:19).

Rooted in Jesus’ love for me… and stepping out in His love because love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, and endures all things.

New Every Morning

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are pleasantly reminiscing about happy memories and suddenly it's a memory which makes you cringe that pops up?

Well maybe it's just me, but I have this phobia of awkward situations. This deep fear of getting into situations where I embarrass myself, or say the wrong thing, or come across wrong, or interact socially wrong, or just fail in general to relate well to someone. Maybe I snapped at someone, or attempted sarcasm and it was taken wrong, or I just can't get the words out, or I don't know how to respond to something.

And then if you are like me, that situation plays over and over again. Even if it was a text message, my fixated brain frets "did they take that the right way? Did I come off wrong?" And soon enough I'm doing my best to avoid thinking about it at all because it legitimately feels painful and, consequently, I can think of nothing else. It just festers and for a few days I feel invalid. Unworthy. Tense. That I have to socially redeem myself. That I have to walk on eggshells.

Normally after a few days, it eventually wears off and I'm game to try social interaction again... but I swear I have a part of my brain that is solely devoted to harboring embarrassing and awkward failures on my part. And when those memories make a not so pleasant reappearance, I cringe and grit my teeth. "Seriously Anna, how on earth did you let that happen? Why can't you stop getting into situations like that?" 

It's exhausting because I really like interacting with people. But I tend to end up feeling like I failed to do well in a social situations. And sometimes a little part of me is wanting to scream I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I fail. I'm sorry I am not enough...

But it's another voice that whispers "you don't have to be." The voice of peace. The voice which rings of a new morning, fresh and clean. Free of mistakes and trouble. The birds singing while a soft and cool breeze rustles a field of green grass. The blue sky highlighted in gold and pink.

It's the voice which comes from knowing I'm still in Jesus' arms. And one of the verses He left us comes to mind "Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness" (Lam. 3:22-23).

I LOVE this. It's like He is saying "each morning, you can get up and start afresh in Me. Each day you can simply rely on Me and start again. Forget the sin. Forget the failures. Just live with Me." Jesus is offering new life with Him each and every day. Each and every moment. A chance... no more than a chance. A promise that if we are His, we can live and walk and breath and dance and sing in newness. A promise that  He has come that we may have life... abundant life (John 10). That His grace is sufficient for us- Sufficient (2 Corinthians 12). His grace is enough. It covers all my mistakes. And He offers me new life with Him. And when He looks at me, He doesn't see my mistakes and flaws and sins, He sees that I am completely covered by grace and restored to life by Jesus.

And that is enough for me. Whether it is my failures to live up to the standard of perfection I so often put myself under or a mistake I have truly made, His grace is enough. And yes, there may be times to make things right with people. There is a time to say sorry or mend a situation. But my God is not a God of guilt and I am living under His banner. Secure in Him. His grace is sufficient for me. So I can have grace on myself and I can have grace on others.

Will you accept His grace too? Step out in newness of life with Him!

(P.C. Pinterest)

Stand by Me

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"So darlin', darlin', stand by me.. oh now now, stand by me..." 

I potentially have a coffee shop addiction. I just love them- the environment is so perfect. I love studying or spending time with Jesus in them and there is also the added benefit of a couple shots of espresso in those lattes of which I am so fond. It's normally my own music which I play due to my easily distracted nature but sometimes the background music just rolls perfectly with my mood. Today is was "Stand by Me" by Ben E. King which grabbed my attention. It fit so perfectly with what I have been learning from Jesus recently. 

I'm all about planning. I like to have a plan. I like to know where I am going. What the next step is. What direction I am supposed to be going in life. You know, something I can project five years down the road and imagine what I will be doing. A dream to race towards. A lot of that has revolved around college in the recent years but this semester, for the first time in about a dozen years, I am not starting classes along with everyone else. Last spring I had big plans for the program I was trying to get into. And I didn't. So I'm taking a gap year. 

I just came out of a crazy busy summer filled with long work weeks, Bible studies, verse memory, extended times with Jesus, and on going adventures everywhere in between. And suddenly I am back home with a schedule that, while still busy, has been like nothing I have ever experienced before. It's relational. Spending time with people as part of a ministry leadership team, being with family and friends, and working for my brother.

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And while I have loved it and it is incredible, doubt sneaks in. Are you really being profitable? What about schooling? What about a more stable job? What about this? Or that? And next thing I know, I'm fighting discontent. And yet Jesus is saying to me, "Be content with such things as you have. For I have said, 'I will never leave you or forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5-6). Paul writes in his letter to the Philippians that he can be content in whatever state he is in because he can do all things through Christ who strengthens him (Philippians 4). Whatever state. Whatever circumstance. Whatever season of life.

In John 15, Jesus straight up says that if we abide in Him, we will bear fruit. We will be fruitful- our lives will have meaning and be according to His purpose. If we abide in Him, for we can do nothing without Him. For our goodness is nothing apart from Him (Psalm 16).

It's kind of funny- how it's easier to trust God with my eternity than my present. But what He shows me over and over again is to wait in Him.  To live in Him. With Him. It's like Jesus is saying, "Stand by Me. Oh darling, stand by Me." I don't know what each day holds. I haven't a clue about the future. But I know that as long as I am with Him, I won't be lost. God has me right where He wants me. And so long as I am looking to Jesus and letting Him be my Captain, my King, and my Leader, not a day is wasted.  So I can boldly say, "God is my helper. I will not fear."

A friend recently showed me the song "Captain" by Hillsong. I have fallen in love with it. Jesus is my Captain. He is the one who can direct my life. I don't need to be afraid of going adrift because He is the Pilot. I don't need to be fretful for the future.

 Oh my soul. Fear not. You are in the presence of Jesus- the Creator. The King. The All Powerful. He is always faithful. He never fails. His strength is enough. His provision is sufficient. His plan is perfect. And all He asks is for me to abide in Him. To stand by Him.

"Like the wind you'll guide, clear the skies before me...

Jesus my Captain, my soul's trusted Lord, 

All my allegiance is rightfully Your's."

Courage, Dear Heart. You are Free.

"I feel paralyzed."

These words slipped out of my mouth as I sat across the table from one of the influential women who have poured into my life. That was the only word that expressed the lacking of power, courage, and hope I felt when in a certain situation. And as I contemplated how I was going to deal with being faced with a situation like the one we were talking about, that was all I could feel. Paralyzed. I was captivated by that feeling. Powerless. 

I imagine you know a bit of what it feels like to be held captive by a feeling. Maybe it is fear. Or hopelessness. Maybe it is anger or bitterness. Regardless, at some point in time I am sure each and every one of us has felt what it is like to unable to move around a feeling we have felt about a situation or person. And the problem is, most times how we feel influences our actions. Or lack of action. 

I feel like getting to have a relationship with Jesus has never ending discoveries. I am always learning something new. And what He has shown me recently is that I am no longer a slave to sin. I am empowered through Him to choose not to sin. And it doesn't mean I don't sin. But that I don't have to be trapped by it. I don't have to be stuck in it. I don't have to choose it. But the question is why? Why am I free? How am I free? Are these just words that are like a big, abstract idea that I can know but not practice? 

I don't think so.

Back when Jesus was on earth, He spoke these words, "If you abide in My word, you are my disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free... Most assuredly I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave to sin. And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed" (John 8:31-36). The truth is that Jesus has redeemed me. He has bought me and brought me into His kingdom (Colossians 1:13). And He says that if He makes me free, which He has, I will be free indeed.

 I get the idea that Jesus isn't just for big, impractical ideas that sound nice. His word is truth. And it's real. And powerful. If He says I am free, I am free. INDEED. 

(Pc: Pinterest)

It says in Romans we are to reckon ourselves dead to sin but alive to Christ. And that sin no longer has power over us. No dominion. No rule. No authority (Romans 6:11-14). But instead we are alive in Christ... Because He now lives in us. The all-powerful God who made the heavens and earth. Who formed us out of the dust of the earth and crafted us in His image. The One who sustains each day. The One who perfectly covers all sins when we believe on Him. He is alive in us (Galatians 2:20). 

He is in me. And the verse which I was given in the conversation before mentioned- when I cried out that I was paralyzed and unable to move- was 2 Timothy 1:7. 

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, 

but of power and of love and of a sound mind (self-discipline)." 

I am not longer a slave to fear. I am no longer a captive. I have been set free. I have Jesus living in me. And His power and love live in me. Giving me new life. He has given me the ability, through His power, to say no to sin. To say I will not be trapped. I will not be ruled. I don't have to submit to the chains of fear, worry, anger, and bitterness. I do not have to submit to lies. The chains which I allow to hold me so often... they don't have to stay on. Because Jesus has set me free. 

So if you feel trapped, lost, or hopeless... turn to Him and ask Him to show you just how free you are. He says if we lack wisdom to ask Him. So ask (James 1:5). He is a good Father and gives us what we need. 

Let Him whisper the words "Courage, dear heart. You are free in Me. You can be BOLD in Me. For I am with you." 

(Pc: Pinterest)

Feeling Homesick

Pc: Pinterest

If anyone has hung out with me a fair amount, they probably are very aware that I really enjoy talking about personalities- specifically the Myers-Briggs 16 personality types made up of different combinations of four pairs of letters. Another hobby of mine is scrolling down Pinterest and finding quotes, pictures, and thoughts that relate to my personality type. Needless to say, there are always plenty of suggested pins relating to the INFJ personality on my Pinterest feed.

Recently I was scrolling through and found a quote that hit home. But in an oddly sobering way. The quote read as follows: "I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul is understood."  This quote hits home. How often I have known this feeling. Wanting a place of belonging. Wanting acceptance. Wanting security. Wanting purity. Wanting ultimate purpose and life. 

I have searched. And longed. Pining for something I wasn't even sure existed in the real world. Maybe that is part of why fantasy was always so drawing to me in my childhood. The worlds with magic and beauty. Enchanting. Filled with gorgeous colors. Ending with a the hero riding off into the sunset. Like the song from Hercules "I have often dreamed of a far place where a great warm welcome will be waiting for me... and a voice keeps sayin' this is where I'm meant to be." 

Whether you are a slightly giddy, halfway lost in the clouds, romantic like myself or a solidly planted on the ground, analytically minded individual, I am sure you know what I am talking about. Everyone wants to have a home. A place of belonging. Somewhere where they are whole and full. 

But where is home? Where is that place? Where am I whole? Where do I finally feel satisfied? Not running after the next emotional high? Not looking to hide from reality? Is there such a place? 

What if I told you there was a place? What if I told you there is place where you can feel satisfied? Where you can know rest? Where you can be whole? Where you can come home? 

Because there is.

I like the first couple chapters of Genesis a lot. They are are so full of newness. Perfection. Life. And in there we get to read about our origin story. How we were created in God's image (Genesis 1:25-26). How walking with Him and having a relationship with Him was how we were created to be. How we were made perfect. How He designed us intimately. If you have ever wondered about your value or worth as a human being, take a moment to look at Psalms 139, specifically verses 13-16. We are created by an all powerful God and He knows us deeply. All our complexities and quirks. 

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But unfortunately, starting with the very first humans and working up into each of us individuals, we have turned away from God. And guys, He made what was good. And perfect. And right. And when we walk away from Him we enter a world of darkness because walking away from Him and His design from this earth... that is the opposite of life. The opposite of fullness. The opposite of beauty. Every good and perfect thing is from Him (James 1:17)- and when we walk away it's just... gone. And we are left so stinking empty. I have spent probably 3/4 of my life living on empty. Trying to fill a void that was there because I deliberately cut myself off from the Giver of life. Like taking myself off life support and pretending I can breath though I am choking on the very air that surrounds me. 

I just want to throw my hands up in the air! Because despite my running from God, despite my desire to do things my way, to find my own life, He still pursued me. And put people in my life pointing me to Him. Pointing to Him as the only source of true life. Because He is the Creator. And because He loved us so much He came down in the body of a Man. And suffered. And cared for others. And stinking died for us. And because He is so ultimately powerful and cool and awesome, He could not be held by death. But rose from the dead and triumphed over it. And even though this was 2000 years ago, He still is pursuing and calling us to Him. Because He loves us a ridiculous amount. And wants us to be in that place of relationship with Him, because only there is true life. 

Guys- I've lived empty. And broken. Messed up to the very core. Living in fear. In death. In darkness. Controlled by fear and obsession. And feeling compulsions to do things. Feeling lonely. And so far removed. With no connection. With no hope. Just searching for the next emotional high. Just looking for some source of joy. Or purpose or something...

But because God put the right people in the right places at the right time... because of His great love for me and because He showed me that I could have a relationship with Him- and that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6)- I can say that I finally know where my place of belonging and satisfaction is. It's with Him. Because that is where we were designed to be. And without Him, we all have a ridiculous void. That is like this massive chasm that we are trying to fill and it just never happens. In His presence. In His company, which He invites us to, is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). Not just dosages of happiness. It's like... fullness of joy. Where my heart IS full. Where I am fully LOVED. Where my soul UNDERSTOOD and FULL. And this is for now. And forever. 

The cool thing is- it's real. It's legit. And I know you, whoever you are, know what I am talking about. So let me ask you a question... What is holding you back from coming to the source of life? Do you feel homesick? Why don't you come home? 

Pc: Pinterest

I'll just leave you with this link to this ridiculously cool video someone showed me. And yeah. You should watch it. 

Ridiculously Cool Video

Something to Remember

Its moments like this when I am sitting in my car. Lights on, window rolled down for the fresh mountain air, laptop propped on my lap, writing away to the background noise of some of my favorite country songs when I realize that, while I have come to love being with people, I am still an introvert. My social battery still runs dry. I still find myself exhausted and needing a respite from the stimulus of being around people.

Love Triangle by RaeLynn echoes from the playlist on my phone. It has been one of my songs that I have loved listening to the past couple months. I wonder if in a couple more months it will be a source of memory for this summer. One of those old songs that bring you back to a certain time, place, and memory. The kind that are bittersweet. Always going back to another time and place but filling you with such feelings.

I’m trying to remember the last two months in full. What it was like at the beginning of the summer when I began this Christian leadership training program. How have I changed? How have I grown? What have I learned?

I think of my older brother telling me how coming to this program would change my life, though he didn’t know how. I think of my mentor encouraging me to allow this summer to be a time where I am drawn into God’s loving arms. And then I realize that both of these statements which I recall ring truer than I could ever imagine. And it is almost like a worship song – I’ve tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves…

And I have. Not of my own power. Or my own ability. And here is where my heart quickens. God, my God, of the universe did draw me out into the mountains to surround me with His loving arms and to show me Himself more deeply. To show me He is my Father. My Abba. To show me I am His. I am His beloved. Can I just stop for a second- mouth wide open in amazement? If you haven’t heard the good news, you need to. God loves you. And He wants a relationship with you. Stop for a second. Look into the night sky. Get up early and gaze at the morning sunrise. Stand in awe in the midst of a thunderstorm. The God who designed and sustains this earth, this universe, He wants you. And for you to know Him and to feel His love. He wants to give new life. New hope. Fill you with purpose.

I wish I could speak more eloquently. I wish I could express the truth more clearly. But then I don’t have to because the words are already written. Full of truth. And mercy. From John 3:16- where we see that Jesus, who is God, came to earth as a Man and gave His life so that those who believe in Him will be saved; to Galatians 2:20 where we see that if we come to know Jesus it is no longer us who live but Christ who lives in us and makes us whole again; to Galatians 4:7 and John 1:12 where we see that we are children of God; and into Revelations 21 where it is revealed that we will be alive in Christ forever. One day completely new and whole in Him- not just in soul but also in body.

And then I realize that while I have been God’s precious daughter for so long, I have rarely claimed this promise. This inheritance. I have walked in fear, instead of trust. Walked in my ways, not His. And yet He pursues me. He is faithful. Because He drew me into the mountains to show me, among other things, that I am His. I am whole. I am complete. I am made new. I am His beloved daughter. I can run into His arms each morning. Each moment. I can know His loving embrace. I can know that one day, I will see Him physically in person. And for now, I can still turn to Him for wisdom, guidance, strength, and comfort each day. He is my Rock. He is my Refuge. He is my Strength. He is my Abba. He is my God.

When I hear a song from this summer, I don’t want to just remember the fun things I did, or the people I have come to love, or the amazing experiences I had. Yes, I want to remember these things. But more than this, I want to be reminded that I am new. I am whole. I am His. I can stand on His strength and pour into others. I want to remember that Jesus is so faithful. And He knew just how to reach me- personally and intimately- this summer.

This evening there was a terrific display of a rainbow presented in the sunset filled sky. A reminder of one of God’s promises long ago. The same God who made a promise which He faithfully presents in a rainbow, thousands of years later, has promised us that we can be His children. Citizens in His Kingdom of Love. And one thing I never want to forget from this summer is the truth that I am a citizen of His Kingdom, made new and alive by Him. A daughter of the King. I will never have to face anything alone. Because I am held by the One who holds the stars. And because I am His beloved.

“Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?...

If I take the wings of the morning

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Even there Your hand shall lead me

And Your right hand shall hold me…”

-Psalm 139

When the Dragon Rears Its Head

I feel like writing is one of the things which comes fairly naturally to me. When I was in grade school I would spend hours plugging away as various stories. I wrote with paper and pencil, I typed on the computer, and I developed stories in my brain while I played and rested. I know some of my siblings and friends had, and may even still have, little books about puppies or racehorses or a short story about a whale which I gifted to them. For about as long as I can remember I have loved to create stories, planning the characters and the names, developing the plot, infusing the tale with deep emotions. I could spend literally days putting together a plot simply for my Playmobile characters to carry out.

But the trouble came when I started to lose footing in the real world. When I placed one foot in reality, enough to function and act as normal as possible, and one foot in a world that was simultaneously beautiful and terrifying.

It was several years ago, possibly in seventh or eighth grade, when I began to recognize that my imagination had a propensity for getting me in trouble. For getting me lost. For starting me down the wrong path. Considering the distance of time which has transpired between then and now, I don't remember all my decision making processes but I do remember trying to control my story telling which had literally moved to consume the entirety of most of my days. I would be detailing a fictional world while I mucked my horse's pen or saddled her for a ride. If Bible time was boring, it was no problem to retreat into my internal world. Fear and intrusive thoughts, which had become normal with my obsessive-compulsive-like complex, were easier to put away when I could simply turn off the real world and fade back into a world I couldn't quiet touch but could feel deeply.

But from time to time, I decided a certain story had to go, perhaps because it was too consuming, and then I made up rules about what would happen if I resurrected that story. I placed possibilities of me randomly contracting a cancer as a consequence. But it was never good enough. The fear would die down or I would find a way to outwit my rules and start a new story line, with fresh characters and an exciting plot. My internal stories became the place where I was focused, spending a good part of any activity- whether playing, working, or doing school- vastly devoted to this past time.

Looking back, I see how long the struggle has been. Somewhere back in the past, my stories and imagination had become a place of hiding and security. But what once was innocent had become twisted and was infused with a daily struggle to fight against fear. These fears were deeply entwined with the possibility of breaking a rule or a promise I had made in an effort to control something or another, or the fear of displeasing God. And there was also the possibility that what wasn't real was real, which opened a place of logically knowing what was realistic but emotionally not being sure what was logical.

Over the years I would continue to fight this dragon of my imagination, sometimes going months without indulging in creating a fictional world, and sometimes caving into my need to create an alternate reality with people who surpassed insane odds and conquered difficult obstacles no matter what their trial. I came to simultaneously love and hate this monster. To both know it was no help to continue living through fictional characters and likewise, to crave being away from reality. It became an addiction. An addiction to fantasy. And in a world like this, there is no room to get to know God and enjoy His presence. And that is where the ultimatum lay: to follow God, to know His undying joy, or to keep walking my way.

It turns out I have had to learn an important lesson about surrendering things which might not be inherently bad but are an intense stumbling block to one's self. I've had to learn, and relearn, to be sure! that sometimes we have to surrender what we want to God and that He knows what is best. And that He can provide something that is better. And He has. Getting to know Him, to be able to rest in His presence, and more fully experience seeing His glory through His creation have all been worth while trade offs.

A life in Christ is not a life of bondage. He is freedom and life. And that which pulls us away from Him is always leading to chains and living in a box. A verse I have found encouraging is found in Galatians chapter 5, verse 1.

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, 

and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.

While this verse is applying to things other than my love of living in fantasy, I think it can be applied directly to my situation. I may always have a weakness for retreating into fantasy and blocking myself off from reality. But I know Christ is my freedom. And He says not to be entangled by things which we have already been freed from. Christ lives in me (Gal. 2:20). I no longer have to be a slave to my whims, fears, and stumbling blocks. Without these things crowding in, I can learn about and experience God for more deeply. And you know, I still believe He has given me an imagination to be used. Just not for the things which lead to fear and imprisonment and stagnation in my growth in Him. Yes, music can still cause my mind to imagine far off places or take flight to the top of a mountain. And I so like to contemplate what the new earth and heaven will be like. And I think He has redeemed my imagination in this way. Not to say "don't use it" but to use it in a way which does not draw me away from God but instead pushes me closer. 

So maybe. Just maybe if you have been struggling a long time or have had a relapse into some old habit, have courage! If you give it to God, I have faith He knows what is better for you. And since He is the all-powerful, good, holy, and perfect, we can trust that what He has is what is good and more complete than what we have fashioned for ourselves. 

And I write this for myself as a reminder. A reminder that a life in Him is always better. Turning aside is never worth it. Keep on fighting. Keep on walking. Trust in the Lord. Lean on His strength. Follow Him. It is always what is best in the long run. 

Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.

- John 8:36

A Closed Door

My life feels like it revolves around paperwork right now. Apply for this. Apply for that. Ask someone for a recommendation. Remember due dates. Write convincing statements. Submit. Wait.

Of course it isn't true. There was a movie at the theater. Bible study with a friend. Making dinner. There was Christmas. And Christmas break. Those seven days in Florida, on the beach, in the ocean, and under the sun. And the almost two weeks I was out of town. And even now, I am happily not in the throes of filling out MORE paperwork. But it lurks in the back of my mind as a consistent nag, which is probably why I feel it is so much a part of my life.

The paperwork falls in the usual categories- scholarships, applying to different schools, filling out forms for the current school year, and of course, figuring out my summer plans. A couple months ago I took an dive at an opportunity of working with kids for the summer. I applied on a moment's inspiration, gifted to me by a dear friend. But as the moment of inspiration passed, the idea took root. I filled out MORE forms. I asked people to be references (a task I am not fond of). I had interviews. And I waited. I prayed, talking to God about this opportunity. I texted and chatted, talking to people in my life about this idea. And I waited some more. Through it all, I asked for direction. And for the right decision for me to be made. And I waited some more. Then the phone call for which I was eagerly waiting finally came. I was fairly certain I would get in. I would be able to claim this opportunity- if not into the first option I applied for then surely the second option... And now the phone rang.

I walked quickly from the room and answered the phone. But a couple minutes on the phone yielded a different answer than I had anticipated. The programs I was interested in doing were full- I wasn't needed. Being a Christian organization which I had applied to, I gave the appreciated comment somewhere along the lines of "if it isn't what God has for me, then that is all right!" I hung up and just like that my little network of how my summer was going to go, expertly designed and planned by me, caved in.

Oh, I wasn't devastated. A little disappointed. And the truth is if it isn't what God wants for me, then it isn't what I should want for me either. But deep down a little piece of me wants to be sulky. It wants to come out as a dramatic little girl. Why didn't I get to do what I wanted? It isn't fair. I have no idea what to do now. I have to remind myself this isn't the person I want to show- because after all its better to present the attitude of "oh I guess this is God's will then," right? Well, I am not that perfect and there is still a restless feeling lying beneath the surface. Waiting for an opportunity to get out. To play feel-sorry-for-me. And that is why I have to be reminded: A Closed Door is an Answer Too.

Yep. That is right. A closed door can be an answer. If I give a request to God... if I ask Him to work it according to His will  (and not so much my own)... if I decide what He has for me is better than what I have for me... then a closed door is also an answer.

God is the sovereign one. He is the one who knows the past, present, and future. He has been around literally forever- before we were even around to recognize the concept of forever. Just last night I lay in my bed and looked up into the blue-black night sky, dotted with the stars visible in the city. It was beautiful. And God is immense. Powerful. Beautiful. Magnificent. Holding this whole universe in His hand. Oh the heavens really do declare His glory- even if only a little piece of it. It is a nice way to fall asleep. And today, under the moody clouds and the answers which aren't quiet how I imagined, He is the same God. He doesn't change. And He is still the God I want in control of my life. I don't know best. He does.

So God, even though I might be disappointed, feel a tad lost, get a bit frustrated... help me to remember that You are a good Father, an all knowing God, and a loving Savior. You got me. You know what is and isn't for me. And like all good parents, You know sometimes "no" is just as good as "yes." So here is a reminder to me. Yes, a closed door can be Your answer. And "no, this isn't for you," can be an answer to prayer too. So thank You, God, for this reminder. And thank You that I can trust You.

Downstairs in my room, on my desk, is a little collection of rocks with memoirs written upon them. Things I need to remember. Visible reminders of God's hand in my life which last after the feelings. It is time to add another. And you can probably guess the phrase I intend to write on it. A Closed Door is an Answer Too.

A Lesson from the Past: God's Perfect Plan

I grew up being home-schooled for the greater portion of my life. One of the fruits of this was the books which I was introduced to and fell in love with. As a child and teenager, a good deal of my readings were classics and historical fiction (which often cross paths), and while I might have protested this at one time, I am grateful that it was these kind of books I got to read. Now I must admit, I am not much of a factual reader. I will read for facts if necessary but when it comes to pleasure reading, I like a well written and engaging sort of book. Thus, despite the multitude of historical fiction which I have read, I paid less attention to dull historical facts and was more drawn to the story and emotion.

When I was in my early teens I got to know books by the author Rosemary Sutcliff, who often focused on historical novels within the Roman times. One story I remember is a gut twisting, heart wrenching tale of a young man who is rejected by people group after people group, subjected to slavery, and overall abused by civilization. The story ends rightly with a note of victory as he is prompted to try to live anew but the overall story is hard to swallow. Can you even imagine? A favorite book of mine, Ben-Hur, touches a similar note. Judah Ben-Hur is a wealthy prince in Israel during the time which the Romans are in control. Unexpectedly he is stripped of everything - family, title, possessions, and liberty. He, like the young outcasts described above, is subjected to slavery. Both stories make a good read, delve into the historical times, and envelope one in the trials and triumphs of the characters. Despite these stories being fictional, the idea is real, messy, and tough.

Recently, I came over a story which fell along a similar note. It can be found in the Bible- you know in the portion (Old Testament) which I have hardly visited the last several years. A journal gift from a friend prompted me to start reading Genesis once again and it has been amazing to see the different lessons which have presented themselves. It is not like I have never heard the stories of Genesis before, from the creation story all the way to Joseph's death in Egypt. I have heard most of them more than once. And yet, now they appear somewhat new. Things I would have never noticed before have begun to pop out. And truth to be told, the Old Testament of the Bible is not quiet as old and dull as it would seem,

Today, let us journey back in time before North America was even known to exist by most of civilization, before the focus was on Europe, before the Romans were the world power house, before the Greeks introduced democracy, before the Jewish people entered the Promise Land. Yes, our story takes us back to a time when the tribes of Israel were the names of living and breathing descendants of Abraham. The character I would have you recognize is Joseph, on of the twelve sons of Jacob. He is the favored son of his father, so I imagine he has it pretty good. However, Joseph is not the favorite of many of his brothers. As a matter of fact, one day some of these good fellows decide to sell him to merchants who are trekking across to Egypt (it was that or kill him- talk about sibling rivalry!)

Imagine. In an instant, Joseph goes from being the favored son to a nobody with nothing material of his own and without the ability to even proclaim himself his own. I imagine it was a hot, exhausting trip and that Joseph was certainly no passenger of honor- how difficult that would be. Would you despair? We are not told if Joseph despaired but I imagine he had his moments- lost, afraid, angry, disgraced. His next stop was to be sold to an Egyptian and from here at least the sun perhaps looked a little brighter. Joseph was made to have great success, even as a servant to his master Potiphar. Now what I find interesting here is that Joseph was said to have the LORD (Yahweh) with him. I am sure Joseph had times of despair and turning from God but it does seem that he chose to follow God rather than turn his back on Him in the heart of a struggle. So here is a lesson. What do I do? Do I allow God to have His hand actively in my life even in a tough season?

"The LORD was with Joseph, and he was a successful man."

-Genesis 39:2 

Well it seems that things are going a little better for Joseph. I mean he might still be held in Egypt but he is doing as well as can be and trusted by his master. So how about a plot twist? Joseph is accused of wickedness by his master's wife and is thrown into prison. How is that for frustrating? Have you ever been accused of something you did not do and had to suffer punishment? Joseph went from a high position once again to the low. He ended up in a dungeon. And yet even here God was with Joseph and helped him. Joseph was given authority here in the prison. God was faithful to Joseph and Joseph had the help of Yahweh to rely on. Next, Joseph is able to interpret dreams for two men demoted from working in the house of Pharaoh. One of these men dies and the other is allowed to continue as a butler. Despite Joseph asking the butler to help him out of prison, the butler goes his merry way and forgets about him. For two whole years. Now imagine how that comes across. Discouraging, am I right? If you send an e-mail to someone asking them to do something for you, it is down right frustrating after a few days to not receive a reply. But Joseph is forgotten by this excellent man for years. 

Ah, but God had a perfect plan. See He was going to use Joseph to save the lives of many- both Egyptians and eventually his brothers and father. Joseph may have not gotten out of prison when he wanted to, but God brought him out at just the right moment. See Pharaoh has dreams which no one can tell him the meaning of and that is when the butler recalls Joseph. Joseph, through the power of God, is able to interpret these dreams and they foretell of some years of prosperous crops and then some years of famine. Pharaoh's move is to give Joseph much power over the land of Egypt and Joseph is put in the position which will enable him to enforce a plan which will keep the Egyptians alive in the soon coming famine. God's plan was perfectly executed. Yes, it took a while and it was definitely painful for Joseph. However, it was worth it in the end. 

I wonder how God worked directly in Joseph during this time. Did He teach Joseph humility? Did He uproot pride? Did He teach him that God alone can provide? Did He teach him that God is trustworthy and righteous? Struggles push us to God and in the hands of God, a wonderful Craftsman, we can let Him mold us into what He wants us to be. We can be vessels through which He can execute His will. Joseph had to go through valleys and peaks for many years before he was in the position where God would use him for great things. (Not that that didn't mean God didn't use him in the other places. In Potiphar's household and in the dungeon Joseph appeared to learn to be faithful in whatever he was called to do and wherever he was.) 

I wonder if Joseph had to work through the emotional and psychological effects of rejection, abuse, and betrayal. I find it fascinating to look at the names of his two sons. The first is Manasseh. I looked this name up and it is defined as "to forget." Joseph is quoted as saying this about Manasseh, "For God has made me forget all my toil and all my father's house." His next son is named Ephraim and Joseph says, "For God has caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction." I wonder if these names show healing for Joseph from the great Physician. His sons are some of the many blessings which God gives to him, despite all of the trials. Joseph never would have had his two sons if he had stayed in his father's house. What a beautiful reminder. God gives us good gifts, even when we are allowed to walk through the dry dessert or sail a turbulent sea. 

The end of the story will be familiar to anyone who has read it before. Joseph's brothers come to buy grain from Egypt because of the years of famine. Joseph eventually tells them he is their brother and instead of punishing them for what they did to him, he welcomes them, Jacob (their father), and all their family to live nearby. I love what Joseph says after his father dies and his brothers get nervous that he might be harboring anger against them. 

"Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones."

-Genesis 50:19b-21a

So many lessons. Many which I have yet to learn fully or haven't even yet begun. But may we submit ourselves to God and recognize that His plan is righteous, bigger, more beautiful, and perfect. He provides, guides, shepherds, comforts, refines. He is a loving Father and the God of the universe. I'll leave you with some lyrics from the song "You know better than I" from a cartoon movie about Joseph (which I haven't seen but I love the idea of the song.)

"For You know better than I

You know the way

I've let go the need to know why

For You know better than I."

The Real Deal

"But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious, Long-suffering and abundant in mercy and truth."-Psalm 86:15

"It is not religion, it is a relationship." If you have been around Christian circles at all, you have probably heard this. And you may have even used this phrase before. Whatever the case may be, whether you are a proponent of this catchy phrase or find it a little too cheesy, it is true.

This morning I did my usual get up, get ready for church, slip in, worship, listen to the message, and come home in time to get ready for work. I'd say it is routine by now but one thing has changed- I actually enjoy it. And I am uplifted. Encouraged. Inspired. It is quite a contrast to how I felt about Christianity most of my life. For many years I disliked any part of the whole church routine. Church was boring. Speakers were boring. Worship was just singing at best and grating on my nerves at worst. I often had to wear a dress, which was detestable to my little girl-self. The lights ended up giving me a headache. And I rarely felt anything grand afterwards. God was always distant and apathetic. And there was fear too. 

So what has changed?

For years, I hated anything to do with having to deal with my testimony. I had grown up in a Christian home my whole life. I went to AWANA, I memorized verses, and I was pretty decent at talking the talk. If you ask my brothers or sister, they can probably attest to the fact that I am fairly good at being a goody-goody. It's not that I am perfect or don't willfully sin- it's just I would like to appear that way. I'd rather not have people see the dirt. But whatever the case, it was frustrating I didn't feel I had a testimony. I couldn't remember accepting Jesus into my heart and neither could my parents. I certainly think I believed that Jesus was real and God, and that I quiet probably did belong to Him, but that was it. Most everything else about how I acted seemed to be in response to rules and ideas about what I was supposed to be like as a Christian. Jesus wasn't my loving, life giving, wonderful Savior. He was just a guy who made it so I could go to heaven- and I have to be honest, even that scared me. Eternity? With not change or variation? As I grew older and passed from middle school into high school, a lack of strong foundation caused me to wander even further away. I became the cup which was clean on the outside but dirty on the inside. I had no relationship with Christ, as far as I could tell, and all I ever did was use my brain to come up with answers to anything regarding being a Christian. My heart was not in it.

But Jesus would have me and over the next few years He began to move in me. He let me be introduced to kids my age who had a true love for their Savior because they knew Him personally. And slowly He drew me back to Him. He gave me tastes of what it is like to have a relationship with God and put people in my life pointing me to Him.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me." -Revelation 3:20

Over the years Jesus has banished dominating fear from my life. He has helped me to feel that I am clean in the sight of God. He is working in me, daily helping me to see just how beautiful and how loving He is. He is teaching me to love Him. Something which I cannot honestly say I have experienced before.

Here is what I can tell you. Following Jesus is not about a bunch of rules. It is about a change of heart. And that change of heart stems from allowing Jesus to work in your heart and to pull you close. You will never be able to change your heart to be perfect or do enough good works to feel righteous in God's eyes. See Jesus, if you accept Him as your Savior, has already made you righteous. What He desires is a relationship- one where we turn to Him. He wants us to lean into Him in trouble, come to Him with fears, and tell Him about our dreams. It isn't because He doesn't already know everything about us. He does. But He wants a relationship with us. We will never be able to truly follow Him if we don't have a relationship with Jesus. And we won't be able to fully enjoy the freedom, from sin and fear, which He has given us. It is not because I have become more zealous about following God's rules that I can  enjoy church. It's because I get to go worship and learn more about Jesus.

 Jesus really is better than anything else. The happiness and joy which you can experience in His presence is worth so much more than what you are pursuing instead. I feel I am really just a baby when it comes to my knowledge and experience of a personal relationship with Jesus, but it is real, it is beautiful, and it is freeing. So if you are walking the fence as a Christian, doing everything else and leaving out Jesus, know there is more out there. You really can have a relationship with the God of the universe. He wants you. And a relationship with Jesus is the real deal. 

Dry and Uncomfortable

They say there is nothing new under the sun. And when I say "they" I am not even sure who "they" are supposed to be. It is one of those statements which one hears over and over again- but to what meaning? It is like a question which I was asked in my philosophy class: "try to think about something without shape or form. In both the idea sense and the physical." So far the only answer which I have been able to come up with is nothing. Perhaps there is something and perhaps there is something new under the sun, but I do not have the answer as to what.

I have been aching for something to write. Paining to feel that energy surge through my brain, causing my fingers to move with fluidity and form a comprehensive sentence. But I have been rather at a loss. It feels as if my most frequent path has been a bit dry lately, with an occasional oasis to stop by from time to time to rejuvenate. Up above there is always the sky- extending into seemingly eternity. Looking up, there is always the opportunity to catch an exciting air of hope- for the Maker of the skies is my Maker too. But it is so easy to forget to look up. It is so easy to merely notice the dry, mundane, constrictive quality of a desert. This morning, though, I am seized with the urge to write. And what I write is by no means new. In fact it has old roots- at least as far back as the New Testament in the Bible. And just yesterday, I read another's parallel version of an idea similar to this. But perhaps, just perhaps, my little twist will put an idea into a light where it can be seized and run with.

This morning I was going through a Bible study packet for a Bible study I am doing with some other girls. One of the sections encouraged participants to create some sort of illustration or story which helped to summarize prominent points in the book of James. After thinking a bit, I decided I was going to try a tree. A tree generally fits well as an illustration of a variety of things in the Bible.

For about thirty seconds I considered making a visual illustration of a tree. I abandoned this idea as soon as my tree began to look like broccoli. So instead I turned to the area I am generally a bit stronger in and began to write. And from my journal, I decided to hone in my thoughts a bit more to what I have been feeling lately and so here I am.

Photo Credit

Using James as a spring board for my initial idea and wandering around a bit, I suppose you can say we are the trees. Our roots run parallel to faith- the question is what have we grounded ourselves in and what nutrients are we being fed. Now if we belong to God, He is the Tree-tender. The nutrients and water He supplies can cause our roots to extend and gain strength. A direct result of the nutrients we absorb is the fruits which we produce. If we take up good, wholesome nutrition, we naturally will begin to produce good, wholesome fruit. But there is a catch. See trees are not made out of just root, trunk, and fruit- they also have branches which are generally crowned with leaves. Now of course we do want some of these leaves. But sometimes it is time for the leaves to be pruned off because they are using too much nourishment from the soil. These leaves can be both seemingly good occupations in day to day life or sin. The point is, if we have too much energy being directed into our lush leaves, we have little energy left to direct towards developing useful, wholesome fruits. Now God is our Tree-tender and from time to time I think He decides it is time for us to put away different things in our life. If it is sin, I think He will weed it out if we let Him. But I also think there are other distractions in life He can ask us to put away because they have become what we run to and that from which we get relief and comfort. Sometimes this pruning can leave (no pun intended ;)) us feeling as if our very limbs are being wrenched off. Sometimes it hurts because our distractions have become so much of who we are that we are not even sure how to keep going without them for relief. And this can lead us into feeling as though we have suddenly landed in a desert. Without our comforts to run to, we have to learn to run once again to our Savior. And though this is terribly uncomfortable, I suppose we have to choose to acknowledge that an "end intended by the Lord" does exist and that "the Lord is very compassionate and merciful." (James 5:11) What He has for us is so much better than what I have for me: because what I have for me involves settling and being comfortable. What God has, I do not fully know, but I can know that He knows what He has for me and that He is compassionate and merciful. He is the one who has perfect wisdom, perfect planning, and perfect love for me. He loves me enough that He wants to finish the work He has begun in me, even if it ends up a bit uncomfortable or painful for a time. 

Now the question for myself is, "am I going to let Him work in me? Am I going to let Him prune me and trust Him to lead me where He has intended me to go? Or am I going to pine for the distractions and sin which He is removing from my life and refuse to lean into Jesus?"