Dry and Uncomfortable

They say there is nothing new under the sun. And when I say "they" I am not even sure who "they" are supposed to be. It is one of those statements which one hears over and over again- but to what meaning? It is like a question which I was asked in my philosophy class: "try to think about something without shape or form. In both the idea sense and the physical." So far the only answer which I have been able to come up with is nothing. Perhaps there is something and perhaps there is something new under the sun, but I do not have the answer as to what.

I have been aching for something to write. Paining to feel that energy surge through my brain, causing my fingers to move with fluidity and form a comprehensive sentence. But I have been rather at a loss. It feels as if my most frequent path has been a bit dry lately, with an occasional oasis to stop by from time to time to rejuvenate. Up above there is always the sky- extending into seemingly eternity. Looking up, there is always the opportunity to catch an exciting air of hope- for the Maker of the skies is my Maker too. But it is so easy to forget to look up. It is so easy to merely notice the dry, mundane, constrictive quality of a desert. This morning, though, I am seized with the urge to write. And what I write is by no means new. In fact it has old roots- at least as far back as the New Testament in the Bible. And just yesterday, I read another's parallel version of an idea similar to this. But perhaps, just perhaps, my little twist will put an idea into a light where it can be seized and run with.

This morning I was going through a Bible study packet for a Bible study I am doing with some other girls. One of the sections encouraged participants to create some sort of illustration or story which helped to summarize prominent points in the book of James. After thinking a bit, I decided I was going to try a tree. A tree generally fits well as an illustration of a variety of things in the Bible.

For about thirty seconds I considered making a visual illustration of a tree. I abandoned this idea as soon as my tree began to look like broccoli. So instead I turned to the area I am generally a bit stronger in and began to write. And from my journal, I decided to hone in my thoughts a bit more to what I have been feeling lately and so here I am.

Photo Credit

Using James as a spring board for my initial idea and wandering around a bit, I suppose you can say we are the trees. Our roots run parallel to faith- the question is what have we grounded ourselves in and what nutrients are we being fed. Now if we belong to God, He is the Tree-tender. The nutrients and water He supplies can cause our roots to extend and gain strength. A direct result of the nutrients we absorb is the fruits which we produce. If we take up good, wholesome nutrition, we naturally will begin to produce good, wholesome fruit. But there is a catch. See trees are not made out of just root, trunk, and fruit- they also have branches which are generally crowned with leaves. Now of course we do want some of these leaves. But sometimes it is time for the leaves to be pruned off because they are using too much nourishment from the soil. These leaves can be both seemingly good occupations in day to day life or sin. The point is, if we have too much energy being directed into our lush leaves, we have little energy left to direct towards developing useful, wholesome fruits. Now God is our Tree-tender and from time to time I think He decides it is time for us to put away different things in our life. If it is sin, I think He will weed it out if we let Him. But I also think there are other distractions in life He can ask us to put away because they have become what we run to and that from which we get relief and comfort. Sometimes this pruning can leave (no pun intended ;)) us feeling as if our very limbs are being wrenched off. Sometimes it hurts because our distractions have become so much of who we are that we are not even sure how to keep going without them for relief. And this can lead us into feeling as though we have suddenly landed in a desert. Without our comforts to run to, we have to learn to run once again to our Savior. And though this is terribly uncomfortable, I suppose we have to choose to acknowledge that an "end intended by the Lord" does exist and that "the Lord is very compassionate and merciful." (James 5:11) What He has for us is so much better than what I have for me: because what I have for me involves settling and being comfortable. What God has, I do not fully know, but I can know that He knows what He has for me and that He is compassionate and merciful. He is the one who has perfect wisdom, perfect planning, and perfect love for me. He loves me enough that He wants to finish the work He has begun in me, even if it ends up a bit uncomfortable or painful for a time. 

Now the question for myself is, "am I going to let Him work in me? Am I going to let Him prune me and trust Him to lead me where He has intended me to go? Or am I going to pine for the distractions and sin which He is removing from my life and refuse to lean into Jesus?"

Purity of Mind, Edification, and Legit Leadership

A few days ago the radio was tuned to one of the music stations I frequent. Despite the fact that I often turn down the radio when the show hosts come on, I listened as the host discussed some random topic. The issue being discussed was the statistic of what ladies find to be one of the most attractive qualities in a counterpart- leadership. Interesting enough.

 My gut reaction may be to find other qualities which I judge to be more important- is it kindness? Gentleness? Understanding? Respect? Listening? Interestingly, these are what I see to be some of the foundation qualities of leaders. And then it comes down to it- what do I admire about people?

 I admire those who stand up, who don't bend to peer pressure, those who are strong but gentle. Its not money, success, or even words. When it all comes down to it, character is incredibly important. And good character in the service of the King, my God and Savior, is the most important. My rambling thoughts find connections. 

A while ago I wrote a post about being sheltered. I questioned whether it was a "bad" thing to be sheltered and came up with the general idea that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing or even a sign of being naive. But the truth is, if one gets out and gets involved in the world, he or she will be exposed to things- whether these be sinful lifestyles or unprofitable conversations. Different careers and fields may be exposed in different ways, but it my opinion, it's how we respond to these things which matters. 

Peer pressure is a really tough issue. It's so hard to be the one left out, the one who chooses to not take part, and sometimes even the one who doesn't "get" unnecessary comments and jokes. And that isn't to mention the fun factor. After all, they are innocent enough, right? Words mean nothing. But the unfortunate (and yet fortunate) truth is that words don't just mean nothing. They reveal the heart, they have power to give and take life. Words are important. I recently watched a movie which had a quote which I mostly agreed with. The basic premise of the quote was to find a compromise in conflicts where it didn't matter and in areas where your values were not compromised but if the line was crossed to become an issue of merely giving into peer pressure, don't give in. Stand your ground.

Sometimes it is frustrating when a great group of kids who are generally pretty great people get together and find it necessary to have completely worthless conversations which range from being merely unprofitable to words which tear down one another. From one faulty human to the next, I encourage you to build up. Don't be the person who is planting seeds of doubt, lack of self worth, and discouragement in others. I know I have been that person before. After all, I am human and not in the least bit perfect. I have been the one to take part in a soul wrecking conversation. I have been the one to tear down another person. But while not being perfect is completely normal, I urge you to give some thoughts to your words. What do they mean? What do they really mean? If you feel that its just a bunch of politically correct nonsense, it's not. 

When Jesus was here on earth, He didn't scornfully ignore the sinners. No. He ate with them, talked with them, loved them. But He wanted them have more than sin ridden lives. That is what He died for- to cover for all the sins of the world and to set us free from unnecessary bondage. To allow us to walk in light. Jesus was very involved in the world but He, being the perfect man, did not join in any of the sin. While we cannot hope to attain that lofty goal while on this earth, we can encourage each other to be in the world and not of it. Yes, as we grow older and get involved with the world we are exposed to conversations and situations which are less then ideal. We may lose some of our childish innocence which allows covertly inappropriate conversations and ideas to pass right over our head. But purity of the mind and the heart, the caving into peer pressure, and the need to immerse ourselves in both the bad and the ugly, that is something which one gives away. Exposure may not be an option but how we respond is an option. I admire those who are willing to lead in the direction of hope, life, and joy. 

Will we respond as lights- giving words of hope and edification? Or will we chose to bend, to move with the crowd, to traverse the paths of darkness, doubt, and smashed hearts? Choose life, my friends.

And yes, leadership, real leadership which leads to life is an admirable and important quality. To any guys out there, your leadership is still important. It really is. It is in a sense God given- not to be abused but to lead those willing to follow to life. 

.

Size One in Obsessive-Compulsive: If You Have Walked a Mile in the Shoes of Slavery

The classroom is small and personal. About a dozen desks are arranged in it. It honestly takes on more the appearance of a high school classroom than a college one and it is certainly no lecture hall. But it is what I am used to- a small community college where I have gone to school for the past three years. I have taken psychology in this class room before too. Psych 101. With a teacher who enjoyed showing movie clips to cement knowledge into our heads. But for this psychology course I have a professor that actually lectures and teaches us the material. But he is not here today and instead the older gentleman who has substituted for him once before is at the front of the classroom. Today we are going over psychological disorders. The gentleman makes a few humorous statements. Apparently at this point in the class, many students may begin to believe that they have a psychological disorder. The book has a small handful of them. For someone like me it's honestly fairly interesting. I want to work with people, you see, and learning how people work is quite fascinating. Among the disorders there is one that sticks out- obsessive compulsive disorder.

This particular disorder sticks out because, in a way, I feel a connection to it. It's not that I have ever been diagnosed with OCD. But it is like I can relate to it. This one I feel I can begin to understand. It's like I know a little bit about it. It's like I've walked a few miles in shoes that, if not quite the same size, are closely related.

I cannot profess to have a particularly good ability to remember childhood memories. But I do remember them. The good ones. The sunny days. But also ones that were overshadowed by what I could perhaps not put in words at the time. The description of intrusive, obsessive thoughts rings a bell. Deja vu. I think I've been here before. I have to do it, or else. Just one more time and it will be done. Just one more time. Just one more time is rarely just one more time because if it does not feel perfect, who knows what will happen. And then follows the compulsion. Light on. Light off. Light on. Light off. Wash hands. Repeat. Floss teeth. But did I forget to floss those teeth? Floss teeth once more. Is the door really closed? Really locked? And then it breaches another barrier. It's not just making sure you did it. It's stopping things from happening. It's keeping yourself safe. It's control. It's me trying to be in control of my life. Trying desperately. And I am not really controlling anything. It just feels like I am. And I make myself miserable in the process because it is addictive. Because if what I did could have possibly made me feel secure once, then I have to make sure I continue to feel secure. Yes, it's addictive and it's slavery. Slavery to fear. Slavery to destruction. Slavery to death.

Control is a funny thing because it feels as if when I am trying my hardest to be in control is when I am spinning out of control.

The solution? Jesus. And I mean it. Because He is the one who knows what is going to happen. He wants me to tell Him my worries and then rest that He holds me. See, He died for me (and He rose again! He is alive!!) ... And while I cannot even fully comprehend this, I begin to feel it. That I am His little girl. That He made me. That He redeemed me. And that when I decide to ignore Him for a bit, He is still there. Because He has given me permanent salvation. I am truly adopted and wanted. And He has washed me clean. I can rest in Him.

But do I always rest? Oh of course not. Not even close. I may be redeemed but I am still in a fallen body. But if it weren't for Jesus, who knows where I would be. But He has got me. His little girl. And while He is all I need, He has also given us weapons to help us. The other day I wrote some out and plastered them to my mirror- hoping this would help me to remember them. And maybe these weapons, so readily available and yet so easily forgotten, can help you too. Going off of Ephesians 6:10-18, allow me to share with you a few.

Truth. The truth is, whatever leads to destruction, fear, and death, is not of Jesus. My God is the God of life, truth and peace. 

Righteousness. I am righteous in God's eye because He sees me through Jesus' sacrifice. Jesus has perfectly redeemed me, so I am at peace with God because I am right with Him. 

Faith. Faith that God holds me, loves me, calls me His daughter. I am only secure and only free in God. Whenever I drift about, I begin to lose that security. That freedom. 

Salvation. I am permanently saved. I have a promised eternity with Jesus. I am His little girl.

Word of God. There are verses which can help with a struggle.

Prayer. Thank God. Pray for people. 

And when it all comes down to it, remember you are free. God has set you free. You are no longer a slave to sin, fear, and guilt.

You will show me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

At Your right hand are pleasures forever more.

-Psalm 16:11

(By the way, I do not think if you need outside help, you should avoid it. God gives us people in our lives who can often help us through things. If help is needed for something that is a real struggle, reach out! I am by no means recommending that you do not seek the help of competent individuals or professionals if you need it.)

Have you met my Father?

"...To them He gave the right..."

Let me ask you a question- if you had to reach out and find someone who has had issues with their mom or their dad, would you have to look very far? What about those who are struggling right now? Or those who have struggled in the past but are perhaps reconciled now? My guess is that you would not have to look very far or hard. It may be someone you know- a friend, a sibling. It may even be you. But one way or another you either know someone who knows, or you know for yourself, what it is like to have "issues" with one's dad or mom. 

Here is another question- have you ever read Greek mythology? Even a little bit. In school, public, private, or homeschool, you probably have heard some variety of it. Quiet frankly (this is a new discovery to me) even the word "panic" comes from Greek mythology. Anyhow, if you know anything about the Greek gods, and even if you don't allow me to enlighten you, then you probably have reached the conclusion that they are really not that powerful or godly. Or wonderful. Or even mature. In fact, they are basically slightly more powerful and harder to kill versions of out of control human beings. 

I ran across a more recent adaptation of Greek mythology and noticed an interesting fact about the Greek gods and their half-human children, demigods. In the stories, the children often times harbor anger, bitterness, and frustration with their god-parents for various reasons- the gods have not been around for them or are too busy running different aspects of the world to focus on their unfortunate children. An interesting contrast is presented when one compares these fictitious gods with the true God. 

God is truly powerful, holy, and righteous. He created the world and is completely in control of it. He is an incredible and amazing God. 

Now, imagine yourself standing at the base of a mountain. You probably begin to see how small you are. Now try that with the state you are in. The country? How about look up at the massive night sky? You are tiny, right?

Want to know something cool? 

Unlike the insignificant Greek gods who ran around occasionally bringing half-god children into the world in both an all around immature and out of control fashion, God sent His Son to Earth to die for our sins. And through this, He opened a door for us to come to Him and call Him "Father." Instead of leaving hopeless children to feel like orphans, He has welcomed us in. He selflessly gave us the ability to be His children. And God is not the sort of father who does not have time for His adopted heirs. Instead, the great Creator of the world truly cares about the little intimate details of your life. He wants to know me. Wants to hear from me. Wants to be there for me. He has both welcomed me into His family and continues to draw me closer to Him because He truly wants to have a relationship with me. 

On the days when I begin to feel an orphan again, running away and slamming the door, when I have half convinced myself that God is really not that close, that He is real but somehow far from me, here is the truth, God loves me. He gave up His Son's life for me. He welcomes me in. And He pursues me, even when I turn away and am distracted by the flashing, deceptively beautiful temptations outside the safety of His arm. HE. LOVES. me. 

So if you are struggling with the feeling that you are removed from God's family, if you feel abandoned in a miserable alley, once you have been accepted into God's forever family, you will never be booted out the door. Even if you stray. Its permanent and the adoption process cannot be reversed. I am a daughter of my God. 

So here is a letter to myself (and to you), for when I feel discouraged. I have a Father who loves me no matter what. I have a Father who will always pursue me. Always hold me. One day, I am going to be welcomed in His house. Forever. And to me He gave "the right to become children of God."

"Where can I go from Your Spirit? 

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning,

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Even there Your hand shall lead me,

and Your right hand shall hold me."

Psalm 139: 7-10

Have Hope

Some where, far, far away, on top of a distant mountain, buried back in the woods in a perfect cabin, or in some perfect house unlike the one you live in now, is complete happiness. 

Have you ever felt like that? Like if you could just tweak one thing, if you could just move somewhere else, if you could just find peace on the top of a mountain, life would be always happy and always perfect. I know I have felt a semblance of this before. A feeling that if I could just escape, just fly away, all would be well. All fear would vanish and all peace would come in.

This evening, after getting home from work, I helped my mom put together some enchiladas. Since I was home alone for a while, I put on some Disney princess songs to listen to (yes, I secretly enjoy listening and watching a good number of the Disney princess movies....) Eventually, after my mom arrived home from her shopping, we ended up listening to Frozen's soundtrack...again. 

This movie is fascinating because it delivers a powerful message of what true love can look like and also shows that love releases the spell of fear. In the movie's top song, "Let It Go," Elsa sings:

"It's funny how some distance,

Makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

Can't get to me at all!"

The words are rather ironic because we soon see that while Elsa believes that she has escaped her fears by fleeing, she is still stuck in an out of control cycle. She is still controlled by her fears.

I have often struggled with fear- even fears of completely unrealistic situations occurring. I think I have sometimes felt that peace lies far away- almost as if it is a destination instead of a truth which can exist no matter where you are. My fears have often controlled me - like a powerful whirlwind, confusing, smashing, taunting, never ending. But recently, I have begun to feel them less strongly. Some days I feel myself becoming re-shackled, the chains tighten about my wrists. I trade freedom for believing that I can control a situation by my obsessing and worrying. When you wear your fears, you cannot escape them.

But slowly, slowly, it begins to feel as though they are loosing their power. And suddenly, I feel as if I can be alive. I can live. I can breathe. I can rest. I know there will be set backs, I know I will cringe, believing my bonds to hold me once again; shamefully bowing my head under the weight of imaginary oppression. 

And yet... And yet, my King is the King of love. My Savior loved me so much that He gave up His life for me. No matter what, I am His. And He possesses perfect love. His love is so very perfect, He suffered for me. Because He cared about me coming to Him. And as it is said, "Perfect love casts out fear." There is no reason to have fear when you know that you are perfectly- incredibly- loved by God. And as you slowly begin to have a fraction of the ability to comprehend this, fear slowly begins to slip away. Powerless. For fear leads to death and death has no power over those who belong to Jesus, because He has conquered death. 

In the end of Frozen, Elsa comes to the realization of love. And is she does so, her terrible storm, created by the terror which had power over her, completely vanishes. And she is back home. Not on some far off mountain. The process may seem slow, but it can be the same for you- only twice as beautiful. In the presence of true love and true hope (the truest of these leading to eternity with Jesus), fears slowly become dispelled. So have heart and take courage, because if I, a slight version of Much-Afraid, can begin to feel the hope of what is just beyond the horizon and the joy of living in His presence, then be assured, He can work in you too. 

Who Made Heaven and Earth -And The Mountains

Like so many of my other drifting trains of thought and wondering ideas up there inside my brain, let me start with a conversation a few days back. Mom and I were running. I've been slowly getting back into running after a couple weeks off due to my surgery. I was telling her all about a movie a good friend of mine and I had been to see on Sunday. (Some days its just nice to be distracted when running...)

And since this movie was based on a true story, I was also filling her in on some of the facts which the movie didn't reveal. The movie was Everest, an awe inspiring and heart wrenching film which dealt with a two day blizzard which occurred right when a larger group of aspiring climbers were attempting to summit Mount Everest. I do not exactly remember what part of our conversation we were at, but my mom quoted to me a version of a verse found in Proverbs 25:

Gorgeous mountains in Alaska

"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter,

But the glory of kings is to search out a matter." 

I think our conversation might have had something to do with the splendor of the mountain. It is truly dumb founding. Incredible. Powerful. Stunning. And dangerous- deadly. One take away from this story is the fact that as much as one may plan and prepare for a journey, such as the one to the top of the mountain, all that has to change is just one flickering of the weather. Mount Everest is untamable and shrouded from perhaps being completely understood by men. Yet it is held in the hollow of God's hand. This mountain, with all its majestic and thrilling beauties is merely a creation of God. I absolutely love that God has given us such gorgeous creation to wake up and marvel at everyday. I think it gives us a tiny fraction of a glimpse of His glory- though His glory is something which I can not even begin to comprehend.

As human beings, we are always trying to find out how things work. Always looking for a way to explain something. Always looking to conquer an obstacle. And though we often make excellent head way, in the end, there are so many things that are impossible for us to fully grasp. As if they were shrouded. It makes for even more wondering at God's perfect control. He understands  all things. He is completely in control. 

I have no desire to climb Mount Everest in the future (are you kidding me, it has to be freezing there! And I have a space heater in my bedroom while my parents have the Air Conditioner on!). But I have my own mountains to climb- with clouded over paths and directions which I cannot quiet discern. When things go awry on my little personal climbs, I may search for a reason- may even insist that I must know. May fight the fact that God is holding me now and forever more. But He knows all things. And perhaps He conceals many things from us. The truth is, if we knew all things, if everything was easy to explain, why would we need to rely on our all powerful God? The mystery matters, be it an almost six mile high mountain, a flaming sky, or the purpose and plot of struggles and quiet times in our lives, only add to the amazement we can feel when we muse over our God. 

So friend, if you are in His arms, rest. Take a deep breath. Look up to the mountains. They are wild, untamable, unpredictable, and He holds them in His hands. If God has such perfect control over these awful, thrilling, gorgeous mountains, if He so holds them and the whole world in His hand, then rest assured He holds you too. And if you are His, He will never, ever let go. 

And to sum it all up, I end with a verse which comes in part from Psalms 121 and from one of my more favorite Christian songs- 

"I look up to the mountains, Does my help come from the mountains? No, my help comes from God who made heaven and earth and the mountains." 

~"Shoulders" For King and Country

P.S. - if you have not got any mountains upon which to gaze, take a moment to look at the sky, the ocean, a lake, a flower. They are all His creations!

"Fix My Eyes"

Photo Credit

When I was younger, I had a handful of ear infections and once upon a time, mono. That was about my only doctor-hospital experience... Enter appendicitis!

On Friday morning I woke up with the plan to go running, go to work, and, I believe, have a rather profitable day. Instead, I ended up spending the morning in bed, alternating between a very uncomfortable abdomen and vomiting. Sometime in the morning, my mom decided to try some essential oils and shortly after I was feeling a good deal better. I had had something almost exactly like this episode about ten months ago and it ended up going away but in the end we decided to take a trip to the Urgent Care. From there we were forwarded to the Emergency Room, and from there, after a series of exciting experiences that were all my first, I went into to surgery for an appendectomy. I learned two VERY important things in the operating room. 1) some doctors play music (pop, metal, country) before (and during) operations;  2) oxygen coming through a mask feels deliciously cool and has a rather water-like quality. I also have decided that anesthesia is incredibly wonderful. I was able to go home that night/morning at around 2 AM and have spent the last few days slowly getting back into routine and enjoying relaxing.

And now that I have set the stage, allow me to begin to come to the point of this ramble- or at least to come close. The first thing I would like to point out is that there are a lot of beautiful, amazing people out there. It's truly lovely to feel loved by people and to know that people were and are praying for me. I am delighted by the little, and yet humongous, gestures of care and love that I have been shown over the last few days- flowers, notes, prayers, ice cream, smoothies. It has to be one of the most lovely things in the world to feel like other people truly care about you.

But let us go back to Friday night. I think what I read that night, a bit before the surgery, was Luke 1:26-38. A few rather important little things stuck out to me. Allow me to set the stage again: this scene takes place when an angel is sent to tell Mary about Jesus.

"And having come in, the angel said to her, "Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women!"

Mary was chosen to bring the very most precious Gift into the world. She had this favor bestowed upon her. And know what else, we also have had a favor we are not worthy to receive bestowed upon us. We have been given the gift of salvation. And the gift of a relationship with Jesus- a gift which makes life livable and makes hope something which I can chose to clasp onto, come what may! Take a few moments to let that soak in. Go outside and look at the night sky. View that awesome dome and find wonder in the fact that God, the very God who died for us, fashioned the night sky. He fashioned the world and He fashioned me. He is in perfect control. He is loving. He is all powerful. And when you realize you cannot fully absorb all of these incredible facts, take a moment to realize that He is so much bigger then all of us, that He cannot possibly fit inside our tiny boxes. 

Another verse which stuck out was Mary's response to all this information (a tad overwhelming don't you think?!)

"Then Mary said, "Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her."

The maidservant of the Lord. I struggle. No need to lie about that. I struggle with saying "I am your maidservant." I sometimes (maybe most times) would rather have things my way. In Hinds' Feet on High Places, a book which was maybe was a bit dull until it found meaning with me, Much-Afraid says, "Behold, thy handmaiden. Acceptance with joy." Sometimes I do not even dare to look for a plan. Getting over emotional and spiritual lumps and bumps and hills in my life sometimes just seems too hard. And that is when it is time to just fix my eyes on You.