Part of the Family

Have you ever just gotten an urge to write something down, to get it out, and put it into words at 12:45 at night when you are about to fall asleep?

I just had to jot down what I was thinking and feeling last night.

It's dark and windy... but underneath the comfort of my flannel sheets I'm warm and secure. Safe. 

Outside my window the night sky displays stars and perhaps planets- a reminder that I know the God of the universe who made all this. It tends to make me a little giddy - inciting feelings of awe. 

After reading a short devotional quoting from Romans 15:7 I ponder how we have been accepted by Christ. Arms wide open. We are all dirty, sinful, broken, and ugly when Jesus called us. But He brings us into His house and makes us beautiful, clean, and pure. 

And we become a part of His household. We become His loved children who He cares for, listens to, teaches, loves.

And this puts service in a new light- if you were welcomed into a house, would you want to remain a guest forever? Just eating food and being served? Or would you eventually want to take part in the family- to serve each other and work together. To take part in the family business and trade. To help maintain the house and keep things running. And to bring others to be part of the family.

I've been welcomed into the family. And I want to take my place- to be loved, to be served, to have joy, and fun, and happiness. But also to do the hard work, to learn the tough lessons, and to be responsible and helpful in the family. 

I'm part of Your family now, Abba. Let me work with You and with my siblings. To work, to rejoice, to struggle, to battle, to live - side by side with You and them.

For in my family that I was born into, I want to do life with them and love them and be a part of what they work for and care about. And it's the same for my adopted family. I've been adopted into God's family- made His daughter. And I want, even if ever so feebly, to be a part of what He cares about. And that's us - you and me. The broken and the lost. He wants all of us to do life with Him in His house. To be a part. And I don't want to miss out on really doing life with Him as my Father. 

So don't let me fall into being a guest. Let me take my place in the house of God and work for what He wants me to work for and to live in the joy of new life in Him. 

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." - Romans 15:7

In the Hands of the Potter

"A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations... Nostalgia."

I recently had a conversation with my mom where I mentioned that I think that bittersweet is my emotion. Okay, I have a lot of emotions. I'm sure just about everyone can attest to the fact that I am a hardcore Feeler. But bittersweet just seems to match how I often feel about things in life. A little triumph but a little a cost. A new path to begin but a wistful longing as I look down the path from which I just came. 

(P.c. Pinterest)

If you are like me, perhaps you struggle a bit with accepting a new season of life. Perhaps you, also like me, struggle with regret about the imperfections in the path behind you. Or perhaps it is with reluctance you watch the beauty and excitement of an adventure behind you begin to fade and grow distant. 

I am going through "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges with a friend right now. We have been learning about God's sovereignty. It is incredible to realize that nothing is beyond God's control and He is not defeated or phased by anything. I love this because even in the messy, broken path I have traveled, I know God has allowed it. For His glory and my good. Even the wasted days and years, when I rebelled against Him and refused to accept His love, He has redeemed and somehow brought to beauty. There is such beauty in seeing God's faithfulness in the life of a broken, messy sinner like myself. 

But even in the seasons which were not wasted, even in the day to day life which one goes through, it is so easy to begin to regret and wonder why things happened the way they did. Today, Jeremiah 18 came to mind. 

"The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD, saying: 'Arise and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause you to hear My words.' Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make. The the word of the LORD came to me, saying: 'O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter?" says the LORD. 'Look, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel!'

-Jeremiah 18: 3-6

In my journal, I inserted my name into the spots where it mentions Israel. "Anna, can I not do with you as this potter? Look, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand!" 

I love the image of God being able to shape and mold my life for His purpose, for a good and beautiful and worthwhile purpose. I can't help and think that God can use different circumstances to shape us one way, and then when we need to be perfected a little more, made a little more usable for something, or fashioned more specifically, He can change the circumstance, the experience, the people, and even the heart, to begin to mold me more and more in His image and for His purpose. 

I spend so much time trying to find a perfect path. I wonder if I have wasted my life, my time, my abilities. I wonder if I will be used, will be made whole, will be able to walk a new path. But if God is sovereign, if He is loving, oh so wise, and perfectly good, then why should I worry? 

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed

That I would see the goodness of the LORD

In the land of the living. 

Wait on the LORD; 

Be of courage,

And He shall strengthen your heart;

Wait, I say, on the LORD!"

-Psalm 27:13-14  

Oh keep waiting my soul. Wait only on God. Let Him be the one who directs your paths. Be still. Be in awe. Be full of joy. Let peace reign. 

Yes. It is bittersweet. But I think the sweet wins out. The new breath of fresh air. The path ahead to blaze. The air of excitement which comes with each new day, each new experience, each new command when walking side by side with Jesus. It is a joy. An adventure. Surrendering in expectant hope. Surrender to the King of kings does not mean dull, formidable existence but beautiful new life. Surrender to Jesus is the sweetest of freedoms. 

Here I am, God

Arms wide open

Pouring out my life

Gracefully broken 

My heart stands in awe of Your name

Your mighty love stands strong to the end

You will fulfill Your purpose for me

You won't forsake me, You will be with me.

-Gracefully Broken 

Even in the Valley

(Pc. Pinterest)

“Now imagine a storm. What does it look like? Is it close? Is it far away?”

We played this game this summer where you imagine a desert, and a box, and other objects with the end goal of it describing your personality, relationships, and struggles in your life. One person would close his or her eyes and another would give them instructions about what to imagine. When you got to describing the weather in your scenario, if was supposed to describe the storms and trials in your own life. Now games like this are always hit or miss. Some parts about them are spot on and some are so far off you just laugh. I remember when I participated in this little game I imagined a storm out on the horizon. Maybe building, maybe powerful, but in the distance. It was that analogy that I thought of this week.

A couple weeks ago some friends and I were talking about what season of life we were in: trial, teaching, or triumph. I pegged myself as in triumph moving towards teaching. I’d just come out of a summer of having a ton about God and myself revealed to me and I’d started my fall flying pretty high. There were definitely things I was learning but I was farthest away from any sort of trial… That was in the past. You know, last spring, last whenever.

And then it happened. First it looked a little cloudy and the thunder started to rumble… then it sprinkled a little… And next thing I know I felt like a full on volcano had exploded in my face. I felt like Theoden in Lord of the Rings before a massive battle “How did it come to this?”

Okay. Not exactly what I was expecting. I had an excessive amount of meltdowns and spent several days moody, restless, anxious, and brooding. Biting my nails about the future and wrestling with thoughts, feelings, and fear from other seasons of trial in my life.

I could already feel it- the walls of a prison rising around me. The chains of past bondage rising to take their place on my already scarred wrists and ankles. The frustrating desire to run with nowhere to go. It’s almost like I was beginning to distance myself from God, from hope, from peace, from trusting in my Abba and standing firm in His love. An experience I just had in my life helped me to put a finger on a more appropriate response.

Whoosh… in an instant I was instantly enveloped in clouds. Unable to see through them or discern any sort of direction. If you were to ask me which way was north or south, east or west, I would have been at a loss. I would have had nothing to give you. I couldn’t see further than a couple of feet in front of me. What to do? Well lucky for me this just so happened while I quietly watched from my window within an air plane taking me back to my home in the Rocky Mountains from where I had been in Alaska for ten days.

It would have been an absolutely inappropriate response for me to panic, head for an emergency exit, and bail out just because we were moving into a bank of clouds and I couldn’t see or find my way. As long as I have faith in the captain’s ability to get us safely through the fog and to my destination, I can sit back, relax, and write a piece for my blog as I am currently doing.

It’s kind of humorous to imagine myself bailing out of a plane simply because I couldn’t see or understand what was going on. But the less humorous aspect is that often when I am hit with a storm in life, instead of sticking with my Captain and trusting Him to take me where I should go, I hit the bail button. I’m gone. Outta here. Something is wrong and I’ m not gonna take any part in this season of my life. Peace out.

I started my fall with this promise: Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your Presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there; If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me.” (Psalm 139: 7-10).

(Pc. Pinterest)

Even there… That has been His promise to me: “Even there, I will be there. Even there, I will be with you. Even there, you can rely on Me.”

I don’t know if it’s a season of trial or a triumph or of teaching which I am entering. Maybe a little of each. But if it is the trial, the last place I want to be is by myself fighting on my own. If it is the crucible… if it is the training ring… if it is a valley I must pass through, then let me pass through… but I’m not going alone. That’s what is different. I’m not letting go of His hand, and He already promised never to leave my side.

Life is gonna throw rough seasons at us… But He has never asked us to go alone. Never. Without Jesus… it’s flat out misery. But with Him… it’s like there is the sweetest of companionship even in a little suffering. Jesus still wants to be my joy, peace, and hope. My strength. He still wants to be the foundation for me to keep believing. The reason I can endure, the strength and power to get through it all.

So I’m going to run. Not away. But forward. I won’t stop. I choose to stand with Jesus as my Captain… My King... My Lord. To walk with Him even in the valley – not despairing. Not crushed (2 Corinthians 4:7-9). But anchored in His hope (Hebrews 6:19).

Rooted in Jesus’ love for me… and stepping out in His love because love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, and endures all things.

New Every Morning

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are pleasantly reminiscing about happy memories and suddenly it's a memory which makes you cringe that pops up?

Well maybe it's just me, but I have this phobia of awkward situations. This deep fear of getting into situations where I embarrass myself, or say the wrong thing, or come across wrong, or interact socially wrong, or just fail in general to relate well to someone. Maybe I snapped at someone, or attempted sarcasm and it was taken wrong, or I just can't get the words out, or I don't know how to respond to something.

And then if you are like me, that situation plays over and over again. Even if it was a text message, my fixated brain frets "did they take that the right way? Did I come off wrong?" And soon enough I'm doing my best to avoid thinking about it at all because it legitimately feels painful and, consequently, I can think of nothing else. It just festers and for a few days I feel invalid. Unworthy. Tense. That I have to socially redeem myself. That I have to walk on eggshells.

Normally after a few days, it eventually wears off and I'm game to try social interaction again... but I swear I have a part of my brain that is solely devoted to harboring embarrassing and awkward failures on my part. And when those memories make a not so pleasant reappearance, I cringe and grit my teeth. "Seriously Anna, how on earth did you let that happen? Why can't you stop getting into situations like that?" 

It's exhausting because I really like interacting with people. But I tend to end up feeling like I failed to do well in a social situations. And sometimes a little part of me is wanting to scream I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I fail. I'm sorry I am not enough...

But it's another voice that whispers "you don't have to be." The voice of peace. The voice which rings of a new morning, fresh and clean. Free of mistakes and trouble. The birds singing while a soft and cool breeze rustles a field of green grass. The blue sky highlighted in gold and pink.

It's the voice which comes from knowing I'm still in Jesus' arms. And one of the verses He left us comes to mind "Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness" (Lam. 3:22-23).

I LOVE this. It's like He is saying "each morning, you can get up and start afresh in Me. Each day you can simply rely on Me and start again. Forget the sin. Forget the failures. Just live with Me." Jesus is offering new life with Him each and every day. Each and every moment. A chance... no more than a chance. A promise that if we are His, we can live and walk and breath and dance and sing in newness. A promise that  He has come that we may have life... abundant life (John 10). That His grace is sufficient for us- Sufficient (2 Corinthians 12). His grace is enough. It covers all my mistakes. And He offers me new life with Him. And when He looks at me, He doesn't see my mistakes and flaws and sins, He sees that I am completely covered by grace and restored to life by Jesus.

And that is enough for me. Whether it is my failures to live up to the standard of perfection I so often put myself under or a mistake I have truly made, His grace is enough. And yes, there may be times to make things right with people. There is a time to say sorry or mend a situation. But my God is not a God of guilt and I am living under His banner. Secure in Him. His grace is sufficient for me. So I can have grace on myself and I can have grace on others.

Will you accept His grace too? Step out in newness of life with Him!

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Stand by Me

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"So darlin', darlin', stand by me.. oh now now, stand by me..." 

I potentially have a coffee shop addiction. I just love them- the environment is so perfect. I love studying or spending time with Jesus in them and there is also the added benefit of a couple shots of espresso in those lattes of which I am so fond. It's normally my own music which I play due to my easily distracted nature but sometimes the background music just rolls perfectly with my mood. Today is was "Stand by Me" by Ben E. King which grabbed my attention. It fit so perfectly with what I have been learning from Jesus recently. 

I'm all about planning. I like to have a plan. I like to know where I am going. What the next step is. What direction I am supposed to be going in life. You know, something I can project five years down the road and imagine what I will be doing. A dream to race towards. A lot of that has revolved around college in the recent years but this semester, for the first time in about a dozen years, I am not starting classes along with everyone else. Last spring I had big plans for the program I was trying to get into. And I didn't. So I'm taking a gap year. 

I just came out of a crazy busy summer filled with long work weeks, Bible studies, verse memory, extended times with Jesus, and on going adventures everywhere in between. And suddenly I am back home with a schedule that, while still busy, has been like nothing I have ever experienced before. It's relational. Spending time with people as part of a ministry leadership team, being with family and friends, and working for my brother.

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And while I have loved it and it is incredible, doubt sneaks in. Are you really being profitable? What about schooling? What about a more stable job? What about this? Or that? And next thing I know, I'm fighting discontent. And yet Jesus is saying to me, "Be content with such things as you have. For I have said, 'I will never leave you or forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5-6). Paul writes in his letter to the Philippians that he can be content in whatever state he is in because he can do all things through Christ who strengthens him (Philippians 4). Whatever state. Whatever circumstance. Whatever season of life.

In John 15, Jesus straight up says that if we abide in Him, we will bear fruit. We will be fruitful- our lives will have meaning and be according to His purpose. If we abide in Him, for we can do nothing without Him. For our goodness is nothing apart from Him (Psalm 16).

It's kind of funny- how it's easier to trust God with my eternity than my present. But what He shows me over and over again is to wait in Him.  To live in Him. With Him. It's like Jesus is saying, "Stand by Me. Oh darling, stand by Me." I don't know what each day holds. I haven't a clue about the future. But I know that as long as I am with Him, I won't be lost. God has me right where He wants me. And so long as I am looking to Jesus and letting Him be my Captain, my King, and my Leader, not a day is wasted.  So I can boldly say, "God is my helper. I will not fear."

A friend recently showed me the song "Captain" by Hillsong. I have fallen in love with it. Jesus is my Captain. He is the one who can direct my life. I don't need to be afraid of going adrift because He is the Pilot. I don't need to be fretful for the future.

 Oh my soul. Fear not. You are in the presence of Jesus- the Creator. The King. The All Powerful. He is always faithful. He never fails. His strength is enough. His provision is sufficient. His plan is perfect. And all He asks is for me to abide in Him. To stand by Him.

"Like the wind you'll guide, clear the skies before me...

Jesus my Captain, my soul's trusted Lord, 

All my allegiance is rightfully Your's."

Courage, Dear Heart. You are Free.

"I feel paralyzed."

These words slipped out of my mouth as I sat across the table from one of the influential women who have poured into my life. That was the only word that expressed the lacking of power, courage, and hope I felt when in a certain situation. And as I contemplated how I was going to deal with being faced with a situation like the one we were talking about, that was all I could feel. Paralyzed. I was captivated by that feeling. Powerless. 

I imagine you know a bit of what it feels like to be held captive by a feeling. Maybe it is fear. Or hopelessness. Maybe it is anger or bitterness. Regardless, at some point in time I am sure each and every one of us has felt what it is like to unable to move around a feeling we have felt about a situation or person. And the problem is, most times how we feel influences our actions. Or lack of action. 

I feel like getting to have a relationship with Jesus has never ending discoveries. I am always learning something new. And what He has shown me recently is that I am no longer a slave to sin. I am empowered through Him to choose not to sin. And it doesn't mean I don't sin. But that I don't have to be trapped by it. I don't have to be stuck in it. I don't have to choose it. But the question is why? Why am I free? How am I free? Are these just words that are like a big, abstract idea that I can know but not practice? 

I don't think so.

Back when Jesus was on earth, He spoke these words, "If you abide in My word, you are my disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free... Most assuredly I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave to sin. And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed" (John 8:31-36). The truth is that Jesus has redeemed me. He has bought me and brought me into His kingdom (Colossians 1:13). And He says that if He makes me free, which He has, I will be free indeed.

 I get the idea that Jesus isn't just for big, impractical ideas that sound nice. His word is truth. And it's real. And powerful. If He says I am free, I am free. INDEED. 

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It says in Romans we are to reckon ourselves dead to sin but alive to Christ. And that sin no longer has power over us. No dominion. No rule. No authority (Romans 6:11-14). But instead we are alive in Christ... Because He now lives in us. The all-powerful God who made the heavens and earth. Who formed us out of the dust of the earth and crafted us in His image. The One who sustains each day. The One who perfectly covers all sins when we believe on Him. He is alive in us (Galatians 2:20). 

He is in me. And the verse which I was given in the conversation before mentioned- when I cried out that I was paralyzed and unable to move- was 2 Timothy 1:7. 

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, 

but of power and of love and of a sound mind (self-discipline)." 

I am not longer a slave to fear. I am no longer a captive. I have been set free. I have Jesus living in me. And His power and love live in me. Giving me new life. He has given me the ability, through His power, to say no to sin. To say I will not be trapped. I will not be ruled. I don't have to submit to the chains of fear, worry, anger, and bitterness. I do not have to submit to lies. The chains which I allow to hold me so often... they don't have to stay on. Because Jesus has set me free. 

So if you feel trapped, lost, or hopeless... turn to Him and ask Him to show you just how free you are. He says if we lack wisdom to ask Him. So ask (James 1:5). He is a good Father and gives us what we need. 

Let Him whisper the words "Courage, dear heart. You are free in Me. You can be BOLD in Me. For I am with you." 

(Pc: Pinterest)

Feeling Homesick

Pc: Pinterest

If anyone has hung out with me a fair amount, they probably are very aware that I really enjoy talking about personalities- specifically the Myers-Briggs 16 personality types made up of different combinations of four pairs of letters. Another hobby of mine is scrolling down Pinterest and finding quotes, pictures, and thoughts that relate to my personality type. Needless to say, there are always plenty of suggested pins relating to the INFJ personality on my Pinterest feed.

Recently I was scrolling through and found a quote that hit home. But in an oddly sobering way. The quote read as follows: "I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul is understood."  This quote hits home. How often I have known this feeling. Wanting a place of belonging. Wanting acceptance. Wanting security. Wanting purity. Wanting ultimate purpose and life. 

I have searched. And longed. Pining for something I wasn't even sure existed in the real world. Maybe that is part of why fantasy was always so drawing to me in my childhood. The worlds with magic and beauty. Enchanting. Filled with gorgeous colors. Ending with a the hero riding off into the sunset. Like the song from Hercules "I have often dreamed of a far place where a great warm welcome will be waiting for me... and a voice keeps sayin' this is where I'm meant to be." 

Whether you are a slightly giddy, halfway lost in the clouds, romantic like myself or a solidly planted on the ground, analytically minded individual, I am sure you know what I am talking about. Everyone wants to have a home. A place of belonging. Somewhere where they are whole and full. 

But where is home? Where is that place? Where am I whole? Where do I finally feel satisfied? Not running after the next emotional high? Not looking to hide from reality? Is there such a place? 

What if I told you there was a place? What if I told you there is place where you can feel satisfied? Where you can know rest? Where you can be whole? Where you can come home? 

Because there is.

I like the first couple chapters of Genesis a lot. They are are so full of newness. Perfection. Life. And in there we get to read about our origin story. How we were created in God's image (Genesis 1:25-26). How walking with Him and having a relationship with Him was how we were created to be. How we were made perfect. How He designed us intimately. If you have ever wondered about your value or worth as a human being, take a moment to look at Psalms 139, specifically verses 13-16. We are created by an all powerful God and He knows us deeply. All our complexities and quirks. 

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But unfortunately, starting with the very first humans and working up into each of us individuals, we have turned away from God. And guys, He made what was good. And perfect. And right. And when we walk away from Him we enter a world of darkness because walking away from Him and His design from this earth... that is the opposite of life. The opposite of fullness. The opposite of beauty. Every good and perfect thing is from Him (James 1:17)- and when we walk away it's just... gone. And we are left so stinking empty. I have spent probably 3/4 of my life living on empty. Trying to fill a void that was there because I deliberately cut myself off from the Giver of life. Like taking myself off life support and pretending I can breath though I am choking on the very air that surrounds me. 

I just want to throw my hands up in the air! Because despite my running from God, despite my desire to do things my way, to find my own life, He still pursued me. And put people in my life pointing me to Him. Pointing to Him as the only source of true life. Because He is the Creator. And because He loved us so much He came down in the body of a Man. And suffered. And cared for others. And stinking died for us. And because He is so ultimately powerful and cool and awesome, He could not be held by death. But rose from the dead and triumphed over it. And even though this was 2000 years ago, He still is pursuing and calling us to Him. Because He loves us a ridiculous amount. And wants us to be in that place of relationship with Him, because only there is true life. 

Guys- I've lived empty. And broken. Messed up to the very core. Living in fear. In death. In darkness. Controlled by fear and obsession. And feeling compulsions to do things. Feeling lonely. And so far removed. With no connection. With no hope. Just searching for the next emotional high. Just looking for some source of joy. Or purpose or something...

But because God put the right people in the right places at the right time... because of His great love for me and because He showed me that I could have a relationship with Him- and that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6)- I can say that I finally know where my place of belonging and satisfaction is. It's with Him. Because that is where we were designed to be. And without Him, we all have a ridiculous void. That is like this massive chasm that we are trying to fill and it just never happens. In His presence. In His company, which He invites us to, is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). Not just dosages of happiness. It's like... fullness of joy. Where my heart IS full. Where I am fully LOVED. Where my soul UNDERSTOOD and FULL. And this is for now. And forever. 

The cool thing is- it's real. It's legit. And I know you, whoever you are, know what I am talking about. So let me ask you a question... What is holding you back from coming to the source of life? Do you feel homesick? Why don't you come home? 

Pc: Pinterest

I'll just leave you with this link to this ridiculously cool video someone showed me. And yeah. You should watch it. 

Ridiculously Cool Video